DINH DOONG

In a turn of events that could only happen in the fever dream that is the 2024 election cycle, Minnesota Governor and Democratic vice-presidential nominee Tim Walz is reportedly contemplating leaving the United States for good. His reason? Apparently, the man has had enough. “There’s no respect for me here,” he allegedly told close aides in a moment of exasperation, signaling that he might soon trade his gubernatorial sash for a passport stamp to somewhere far away—perhaps a country where Minnesota winters are just a rumor and political hecklers don’t exist.

The statement, leaked from an anonymous source within his campaign, has already sent shockwaves through the political world. How could a sitting governor and potential future vice president of the United States, a man poised for greater national leadership, suddenly decide that maybe Costa Rica’s beaches or Switzerland’s neutrality sound more appealing than another term in public service? The answer, it seems, lies in the increasingly public disillusionment of a man who’s just plain tired of it all.

“I’m done with this country,” Walz allegedly muttered during a particularly brutal campaign strategy session last week, after yet another round of attacks on his record as governor and old controversies surrounding his military service surfaced (again). For months now, the governor has been hounded by critics from both sides of the aisle.

There’s the ongoing issue of his National Guard service, with accusations of “stolen valor” following him around like an unwanted campaign intern. Then there’s his family drama, which went viral after distant relatives were spotted wearing “Walz’s for Trump” T-shirts—a blow that no amount of campaign spin can fix.

And who could forget the incident where Shaquille O’Neal, of all people, threw Walz out of his restaurant, calling him “a disappointment”? It’s the kind of personal and professional low point that makes most people reevaluate their life choices, let alone their political aspirations.

For Walz, it seems like the accumulation of these slights has led to one conclusion: America just doesn’t appreciate him anymore. “I’m busting my butt out here, trying to serve the people, and what do I get? Disrespect,” Walz reportedly vented. “From my own family, from celebrities, even from voters in Minnesota. I’m done. There’s no respect for me here.”

It’s not hard to see why Walz might feel the urge to pack up and leave. When your relatives decide to publicly endorse your political rival—while wearing merch with your last name on it, no less—that’s a low blow. According to sources, Walz was crushed when images of his distant relatives sporting pro-Trump attire went viral. “If your own cousins can’t stand by you, what chance do you have with the rest of the country?” an aide reportedly overheard Walz saying.

But the familial betrayal was just the tip of the iceberg. Walz has faced months of relentless scrutiny over his military service, particularly accusations that he retired from the National Guard just before his unit was deployed to Iraq. The “stolen valor” claims have been a constant thorn in his side, and his critics—who seem to think Walz has committed some sort of political war crime—are gleefully weaponizing the narrative as the 2024 election heats up.

Yet, the final straw, according to insiders, was his public scolding by Shaquille O’Neal. The former NBA superstar and current restaurant mogul threw Walz out of his Atlanta-based chicken joint after accusing him of being a political failure. “When you’ve been publicly dunked on by Shaq—literally and metaphorically—it’s hard to come back from that,” one political analyst quipped.

So, where does a beleaguered governor go when he’s had enough of America’s apparent lack of respect? The options are vast, and the rumors are flying faster than Walz can board a plane. Some say he’s eyeing Canada—a classic choice for disillusioned Americans looking to start over in a place where everyone’s just a bit too polite to criticize you to your face. Others suggest he might head for Europe, with Switzerland being a top contender for its neutrality, chocolate, and complete lack of “family reunions featuring MAGA hats.”

But Walz could always take a more adventurous route. Costa Rica, with its laid-back lifestyle and beautiful beaches, might be the perfect place for a former politician looking to find inner peace (and avoid answering any more questions about his military service). Or perhaps New Zealand, where the sheep outnumber the people and no one cares about U.S. election cycles.

However, sources within his campaign claim Walz has recently been Googling “remote islands with no Wi-Fi” and “how to retire early in Bali,” suggesting he’s thinking about going even more off the grid. “He’s not ruling anything out,” one insider confirmed. “If there’s a place where he can finally get some respect, or at least not be constantly roasted on Twitter, he’s open to it.”

Of course, if Walz does decide to leave the country, it’s bound to cause a political meltdown. Imagine the vice-presidential nominee of a major party just up and moving to a Caribbean island in the middle of an election cycle. Republicans would have a field day, and Democrats would be left scrambling to find a replacement. The headlines alone would be brutal: “VP Nominee Walz Flees U.S. Amidst Criticism; Buys Hut in the Bahamas.”

His decision could also signal the start of a new trend—disillusioned politicians quitting the game and seeking refuge in tropical locales. “Why stick around and deal with debates, campaign ads, and constant criticism when you could be sipping cocktails on a beach in Belize?” one commentator quipped.

But for now, Walz remains in the United States, though insiders say his departure is more likely by the day. “Every new headline seems to push him closer to booking that one-way ticket,” said one aide. “He’s got his resignation letter drafted—he just hasn’t hit ‘send’ yet.”

As the rumors swirl and his frustration grows, the big question remains: can anyone convince Tim Walz to stick around? Democratic Party officials are reportedly doing their best to keep him from fleeing, offering everything from glowing public endorsements to promises of post-election beach vacations. “We can’t lose him now,” one strategist fretted. “We just need him to hang in there for a few more months. After that, he can go wherever he wants.”

For his part, Walz has remained tight-lipped about his future plans, though some say he’s privately admitted that leaving the country would be the ultimate stress relief. “It’s not about running away,” Walz reportedly told a friend. “It’s about finding peace. If America can’t respect me, maybe Bali will.”

Whether Tim Walz becomes the first major political figure to retire early to a tropical island remains to be seen. But one thing’s for sure—if he does decide to leave, there will be plenty of people waiting to see where he ends up. And, more importantly, if he finally finds the respect he’s been searching for.