DINH DOONG

 

While the idea of an American politician swapping hotdish for hotpot may seem ludicrous, sources close to Walz say the governor is dead serious. Frustrated by the relentless political attacks, family feuds, and an overwhelming sense that he’s just not “getting the respect he deserves” here in the States, Walz has started looking east—very far east. In a move that some are calling “political suicide” and others are calling “a cry for help,” Walz is reportedly weighing the pros and cons of packing up his bags, learning Mandarin, and embracing life in the People’s Republic of China.

So, how did we get here? How did Tim Walz go from a relatively uncontroversial Midwestern governor to a man seriously considering moving to China? The story begins, like so many tales of political turmoil, with a series of unfortunate events.

First, there was the family drama. When distant relatives of Walz were spotted wearing “Walz’s for Trump” T-shirts at a local rally, it sent ripples through his campaign, and those ripples quickly turned into a tsunami of embarrassment. “When your own family doesn’t back you, where do you even go from there?” an aide reportedly overheard Walz saying, his voice cracking under the weight of public humiliation.

Then, of course, there’s the ongoing saga of Walz’s military service record, which has been called into question by critics who claim he retired from the National Guard just before his unit was deployed to Iraq. The phrase “stolen valor” has followed him around like an uninvited guest at every campaign stop, with no sign of letting up anytime soon.

And if that wasn’t enough, Walz’s recent public spat with NBA legend Shaquille O’Neal—in which Shaq famously threw Walz out of his restaurant, Big Chicken, while calling him a “disappointment”—has pushed the governor into a state of existential crisis. “When Shaq doesn’t respect you, what’s left?” Walz reportedly muttered while scrolling through expat blogs on his phone.

While most politicians might retreat to a quiet cabin in the woods or, at worst, relocate to Canada after a public meltdown, Tim Walz has his sights set on something grander. China, it seems, is his escape plan of choice.

“China just makes sense for me,” Walz said in a recent, baffling interview with local Minnesota media. “It’s a country where leadership is respected, where people don’t spend all day on Twitter bashing you for things you didn’t do. And honestly, I think I’d fit in well. I’ve always admired their infrastructure projects. They build cities overnight. I can’t even get a highway project done in under three years.”

The governor’s admiration for China doesn’t stop at infrastructure. He’s reportedly enamored with the idea of a government that can get things done without pesky elections getting in the way. “I’ve been thinking a lot about their system,” Walz continued, seemingly oblivious to the fact that praising China’s authoritarian tendencies might not go over well with American voters. “In China, the government has control. People listen. There’s none of this constant back-and-forth you see here in America. You say you’re going to build a bridge, and boom, the bridge is built.”

It’s clear that Walz is feeling unappreciated in his current role, and in China, he seems to see the solution to all of his problems. “In China, they’d appreciate a guy like me,” he reportedly told his campaign team during a recent meeting. “I’ve got big ideas, I’m decisive, and I don’t shy away from tough decisions. That’s the kind of leadership they respect over there.”

The question remains: What exactly would Walz do in China? His aides, while reportedly stunned by his newfound fascination with the Middle Kingdom, have suggested that he could take up a role as an “American ambassador to modern governance.” Or maybe he could work on bringing Minnesota-style democracy to the provinces—though that last idea is clearly a long shot, given that China’s leaders aren’t exactly known for their openness to political reform.

For his part, Walz has floated the idea of becoming a “consultant” to China’s government, offering tips on how to “handle political gridlock” (which, to be fair, he probably knows a thing or two about by now). “They’re expanding their Belt and Road Initiative,” Walz noted in one recent conversation. “Who better than a former American governor to help guide them?”

Naturally, the idea of a sitting U.S. governor, let alone a vice-presidential nominee, contemplating a permanent move to China has raised eyebrows across the political spectrum. Republicans, never ones to miss an opportunity, have already started circulating attack ads featuring footage of Walz praising China’s “decisive leadership” and questioning his commitment to American values.

“Is Tim Walz running for vice president of the United States or vice premier of China?” one ad mockingly asks, set to footage of Chinese construction workers building a high-speed rail system. “Because it’s pretty clear he’s more impressed with the Chinese government than he is with ours.”

Even within the Democratic Party, there’s a sense of unease. “This is not the time to be romanticizing authoritarian regimes,” said one top party official, clearly concerned about Walz’s recent rhetoric. “We get it, he’s had a rough few months, but China? Really?”

Yet, for Walz, the pull toward China seems stronger than ever. “That’s where I belong,” he’s reportedly told friends and colleagues. “Someplace where they respect leaders, where they get things done, and where people don’t spend all their time tweeting nonsense about how their governor is a failure.”

While Walz hasn’t yet booked a one-way flight to Beijing, it’s clear that his fascination with China isn’t just a passing phase. And as the 2024 election cycle rages on, many are left wondering if this is a strategic move—an elaborate bluff to distract the media—or if Walz really does see his future on the other side of the Pacific.

For now, he remains Minnesota’s governor and the Democratic vice-presidential nominee, though it’s anyone’s guess how long that will last if his love affair with China continues to deepen. One thing is certain, though: If Tim Walz does move to China, it’s going to be one heck of a culture shock—for both him and the people of China.

In the meantime, as the 2024 election unfolds, the world watches and waits to see if Walz will truly make the leap from Minnesota to the Middle Kingdom. Will he really trade his campaign trail for the Great Wall? Stay tuned, because this political plot twist might just be getting started.