DINH DOONG

In an unexpected twist, reports are emerging that Minnesota Governor and Democratic vice-presidential candidate Tim Walz may have a more complicated relationship with the popular Primanti Bros. sandwich chain than just a love for their unique fries-stuffed creations. An unverified source suggests that Walz has a financial interest in the Pittsburgh-based eatery, raising eyebrows and igniting wild discussions among political commentators, social media users, and sandwich aficionados alike.

The rumors surrounding Walz’s alleged involvement with the sandwich institution have fueled heated debates and inventive conspiracy theories. After Primanti Bros. notably refused service to Republican vice-presidential nominee J.D. Vance, theories surfaced claiming Walz may have influenced this decision due to his supposed financial ties. This situation begs the question: is Tim Walz engaging in a covert strategy of “sandwich politics”?

Primanti Bros., celebrated for its robust sandwiches piled high with coleslaw and fries, has long been a favorite among Pittsburgh residents. Recently, however, the establishment has made headlines for reasons beyond its hearty offerings. Controversy erupted when Vance was denied entry to a location during a campaign event, leading many to accuse the chain of having political biases and inspiring calls for a conservative boycott.

Amid this chaos, the insinuations began to spread that Walz might be orchestrating events from behind the curtain. An obscure report from an alleged “insider” claims that Walz holds a financial stake in Primanti Bros., implying that this interest influenced the restaurant’s decision to refuse service to Vance.

Once the rumors circulated online, social media was set ablaze with imaginative theories and sandwich-themed mockery. “First, they serve fries on their sandwiches, now they’re serving political agendas!” quipped one Twitter user.

For Tim Walz, who is vying alongside Kamala Harris in the vice-presidential race, these allegations couldn’t surface at a less opportune moment. His team has been diligently portraying him as a relatable candidate, grounded in Midwestern practicality. However, if his ties to Primanti Bros. are validated, it could paint a starkly different narrative—one depicting a politician reaping the benefits of a sandwich empire while utilizing it for political leverage.

Critics haven’t hesitated to capitalize on this story. Conservative pundits, outraged over Vance’s exclusion from Primanti Bros., are now escalating their accusations against Walz for allegedly manipulating the sandwich chain to promote his progressive agenda.

“This is exactly what’s wrong with our country,” one right-wing commentator lamented on a podcast. “Politicians like Walz are secretly controlling businesses, using their financial influence to silence conservatives. It’s no wonder Primanti Bros. denied service to J.D. Vance—they’re just taking orders from their puppet master, Tim Walz.”

The alleged correlation between Walz and Primanti Bros. has also cast a spotlight on J.D. Vance. Disappointed by his exclusion from the North Versailles location, he took to social media to express his discontent with what he called “a ridiculous political circus.”

“I didn’t come for politics; I came for a sandwich,” Vance tweeted. “But now it appears that even our sandwiches are being commandeered by the woke left. If Tim Walz truly has an interest in Primanti Bros., it only highlights the extent of this issue.”

Vance, who has previously advocated for working-class Americans, announced his intention to avoid Primanti Bros. in the future: “If Walz is involved, they can keep their sandwiches,” he declared at a rally. “I’ll just have my fries on the side, thank you very much.”

Despite the swirling controversy, Primanti Bros. has opted for a measured response, neither confirming nor denying any connection to Walz. In a statement, the chain maintained that its focus remains on uniting people over quality food, detached from any political agenda or influence.

Nonetheless, the company now finds itself entrenched in a political maelstrom. Calls for boycotts are rising among conservatives, who accuse the restaurant of capitulating to the “woke mob,” while others ponder the feasibility of remaining politically neutral in a polarized environment.

“We’ve seen this before,” noted one analyst. “A beloved brand gets embroiled in political strife, often leading to boycotts from both sides. Primanti Bros. may need to take substantive actions beyond vague statements to weather this storm.”

Though Walz has refrained from making substantive comments regarding these allegations, when asked at a press conference, he breezily dismissed them with humor.

“I enjoy a good sandwich like anyone else, but no, there are no secret investments in Primanti Bros.,” Walz responded with a laugh. “This is merely another absurd conspiracy theory aimed at diverting attention from real issues.”

However, to conspiracy theorists, Walz’s denial merely stokes the flames of suspicion. “Of course he’s going to deny it,” commented one user on Reddit. “That’s precisely what someone with a covert stake in a sandwich establishment would do.”

As Primanti Bros. grapples with an escalation of calls for boycotts, social media buzzes with hashtags like #BoycottPrimanti, while frustrated customers post videos of themselves discarding their sandwiches in protest.

Actor Jon Voight, who declined a $100 million sponsorship deal with Primanti Bros. over its purported “woke agenda,” returned to Twitter to voice his disappointment: “First, they tried to pay me to compromise my principles, now we discover they’re allied with Tim Walz? This is why I said no. They’ve lost their way,” Voight tweeted.

Even Fox News has scrutinized the unfolding drama, airing a segment titled, “The Sandwich Scandal: How Tim Walz and the Left are Controlling Your Lunch.”

Regardless of Walz’s actual financial involvement with Primanti Bros., the ruckus has already taken its toll. Once an adored establishment, the sandwich shop now finds itself ensnared in a political quagmire, with Walz’s name entangled in a blend of absurdity and humor.

The future for Primanti Bros. appears uncertain. Can they endure the backlash arising from boycotts and political dissent? Or is this the beginning of the end for nearly a century of their legacy as Pittsburgh’s premier sandwich destination?

As for Tim Walz, regardless of any possible connections to the chain, one fact stands clear: in today’s political environment, even sandwiches are not immune to controversy.

NOTE: This is SATIRE, it’s Not true.