DINH DOONG

In a bizarre twist that no one saw coming—except, perhaps, those who have watched politics blend with fast food—Primanti Bros. has filed a $10 million lawsuit against the manager who refused to serve Republican vice-presidential nominee J.D. Vance at their North Versailles location. What started as a simple “no entry” has now snowballed into a legal showdown, with the iconic sandwich chain accusing their former employee of single-handedly bringing down their $50 million sandwich empire. Yes, you read that right: all over a sandwich.

Let’s rewind. On what was supposed to be a quiet campaign stop, J.D. Vance arrived at Primanti Bros. in North Versailles to meet with supporters, smile for some selfies, and grab one of their famous sandwiches. But the moment he stepped out of his motorcade, the manager on duty took it upon himself to enforce an unexpected ban on campaign stops, allegedly telling Vance, “This isn’t a campaign stop, and J.D.’s not allowed in here.”

While the manager might have thought he was protecting the restaurant from becoming a political battleground, what he did instead was spark a political and PR catastrophe. Videos of the incident went viral, and before the sandwich could hit the griddle, #BoycottPrimanti was trending. What followed was a conservative-led boycott that wiped out nearly $50 million in sales overnight, three major sponsors pulling out, and now, a multi-million dollar lawsuit.

The lawsuit, filed in Pittsburgh District Court, accuses the manager—who remains unnamed for privacy reasons—of gross negligence, defamation, and the intentional destruction of a Pittsburgh institution. In the complaint, Primanti Bros. claims that the manager’s actions directly led to the chain’s financial collapse, loss of major sponsorships, and irreversible damage to their 90-year-old legacy of fries-stuffed sandwiches.

“One man’s misguided decision to play politics has cost us everything,” the lawsuit reads. “Primanti Bros. was built on community, on being a place where anyone—no matter their politics—could enjoy a sandwich in peace. By turning J.D. Vance away, this manager not only insulted a potential customer but also made us the epicenter of a national boycott. For that, he must be held accountable.”

The chain is seeking $10 million in damages, claiming the amount reflects both the financial loss from the boycott and the damage done to their reputation. According to the suit, the manager’s decision has led to the closure of multiple locations, including several prime spots that had once been tourist destinations.

Not surprisingly, the now-former manager isn’t taking the lawsuit lightly. In his response, the manager—who has since become a minor celebrity in anti-woke circles—claims he was simply trying to avoid turning the restaurant into a political circus.

“I was just doing what I thought was right for the business,” the manager explained in a public statement. “We had Kamala Harris there just weeks before, and it turned into a madhouse. We had actors pretending to be regular customers, the Secret Service blocking the bathrooms, and real customers couldn’t get in to eat. I didn’t want a repeat of that.”

The manager also claims that there was no official company policy in place about political campaign stops and that he had not been given specific instructions on how to handle high-profile visitors. “How was I supposed to know refusing one sandwich would lead to a $50 million disaster?” he said. “It’s not like there’s a section in the employee handbook for ‘what to do when J.D. Vance walks in.’”

As with anything involving both politics and food, public reaction has been fierce. Supporters of the boycott see the lawsuit as a desperate attempt by Primanti Bros. to shift the blame for their financial woes onto one employee. “Primanti messed up, and now they’re scapegoating this guy,” tweeted one user. “Maybe if they hadn’t cleared the place out for Kamala, people wouldn’t be so mad. But now they’re suing a guy for $10 million? Over a sandwich? Give me a break.”

Others, however, view the lawsuit as a necessary step to hold employees accountable. “He knew what he was doing,” said one frequent Primanti Bros. customer. “You don’t just refuse service to someone like J.D. Vance and expect there not to be consequences. If this lawsuit helps them get back on track, I’m all for it.”

Even those who don’t care much for politics are weighing in. “Honestly, I just want my sandwich spot back,” said one Pittsburgh local. “I don’t care if it’s J.D. Vance or Kamala Harris eating there, as long as I can get my fries-and-coleslaw-stuffed sandwich without all this drama.”

While the lawsuit unfolds, Primanti Bros. is trying to claw its way back from the abyss of public opinion. In a recent effort to regain the trust of its former customer base, the chain has rolled out a new campaign called “Sandwiches Without Politics,” promising that going forward, Primanti Bros. will remain a neutral ground where the only debate happening is over what to put on your sandwich.

“We want to be clear,” said a spokesperson for the company. “Primanti Bros. is a place for everyone—Republicans, Democrats, Independents, and those who just want to enjoy a good sandwich. The actions of one employee do not reflect the values of our company, and we are doing everything we can to make this right.”

As part of their damage control efforts, the chain has also introduced a new sandwich called “The Vance Special,” which features extra fries and a healthy helping of humble pie. “It’s a little joke,” the spokesperson explained, “but also a way for us to move past this and show that we’re serious about welcoming everyone.”

Whether or not Primanti Bros. can recover from this debacle remains to be seen. While some customers have returned, the boycott is still going strong in many parts of the country, and the loss of sponsors has left a significant hole in the company’s finances. The $10 million lawsuit, if successful, might help recoup some of the financial damage, but it’s unlikely to fully repair the chain’s reputation.

As for the manager? He’s reportedly considering a countersuit for wrongful termination, claiming that he was fired without cause and that the company is using him as a scapegoat for their own poor decisions. In the meantime, he’s landed a new job—at a local sandwich shop that specializes in staying out of politics.

The Primanti Bros. saga is yet another reminder that, in today’s hyper-politicized climate, even something as simple as a sandwich can become a symbol of division. What started as a campaign stop has now turned into a $10 million lawsuit, and whether Primanti Bros. wins or loses in court, one thing is clear: this is the most expensive sandwich they’ve ever made.

NOTE: This is SATIRE, It’s Not True.