DINH DOONG

In a stunning twist of fate, McDonald’s—a company that already holds a special place in the American heart and stomach—saw its stock skyrocket by 200% following a recent visit by none other than former President Donald Trump. Donning an apron and manning the fry station at a Pennsylvania franchise, Trump seems to have cooked up more than just french fries. In fact, the former president may have just fried his way to the top of Wall Street.

McDonald’s executives, who were still picking their jaws up off the floor after witnessing the company’s stock price surge faster than a drive-thru order on a slow Tuesday night, couldn’t believe the meteoric rise. “I think we’ve finally found our new marketing strategy,” said a McDonald’s spokesperson. “Forget celebrity endorsements or TikTok influencers—we’re thinking about giving Trump a permanent fry position. Heck, we’ll even rename the Big Mac to the Trump Tower Special if this keeps up.”

It all started innocently enough. Trump, on a campaign stop through Pennsylvania, decided to trade in his suit jacket for a McDonald’s apron, instantly reminding America of his love for fast food. The former president, who has often expressed his admiration for McDonald’s during his time in office, stepped behind the counter, flipped a few burgers, and claimed to be “making McDonald’s great again.”

“You can trust me. Nobody makes fries better than me. Nobody. I’ve always said, if I wasn’t a billionaire, I’d be here running the best McDonald’s in the world,” Trump declared to a bewildered but excited crowd. “They say Kamala worked at McDonald’s, but can she make fries like this? I don’t think so!”

And apparently, America agreed. Within minutes of the visit, images of Trump flipping burgers and handing out fries at the drive-thru went viral on social media, and the McDonald’s stock ticker exploded like a packet of ketchup stepped on in the parking lot.

Financial analysts have been left scrambling, desperately trying to explain how a single presidential fry-cook stunt could send the company’s value soaring by 200%. “This is unprecedented,” said one bewildered stock market analyst. “We’re used to seeing small gains from celebrity appearances, but this is on a whole different level. It’s as if Trump deep-fried the entire stock market and turned it golden brown.”

Trump himself, never one to shy away from taking credit, quickly seized the opportunity. “I knew this would happen, folks,” he told the crowd. “McDonald’s was great, but now it’s greater. We’re talking huge gains. The biggest you’ve ever seen. And believe me, I know gains.” Some onlookers speculated that if Trump continues his fast-food visits, he might single-handedly rescue the entire economy through the power of McDonald’s alone.

In an effort to capitalize on the unexpected boost, McDonald’s corporate headquarters is reportedly considering renaming some of their menu items after the former president. Ideas like the “Trump Tower Deluxe” burger and “Covfefe Coffee Combo” are already being floated. There are even rumors that McDonald’s is in talks to roll out a new “Trump Value Meal,” which includes a Big Mac, fries, a Diet Coke, and a side of American pride.

But Trump’s impact on McDonald’s doesn’t stop at fries and burgers. Reports suggest that Wall Street analysts are now predicting a nationwide surge in fast-food sales as other chains rush to capitalize on the Trump Fast Food Phenomenon. Wendy’s has reportedly hired a new team of advisors to figure out how they can get Trump behind their counter, while Burger King is allegedly drafting a proposal to make him honorary “Burger King” for a day.

Even Subway isn’t safe, with rumors of Trump planning to “build a footlong sandwich that Mexico will pay for” circulating rapidly.

Not everyone is pleased by the Trump-McDonald’s partnership, least of all Vice President Kamala Harris. As the story goes, Harris famously worked at a McDonald’s during her college years and has even referenced her time there during campaign stops. Naturally, the Trump team has been quick to challenge this narrative.

“Kamala said she worked here? Sure, she did. Fake news, folks,” Trump reportedly quipped during his McDonald’s shift, as the stock price ticked upward once more. “I’ve been here for five minutes, and I already know the fry machine better than her. They call me the fry guy now.”

In response, Harris released a brief statement, saying, “While I did work at McDonald’s, my role was about more than flipping burgers—it was about learning the values of hard work and service. But if he wants to compete on who makes better fries, I’m ready for a fry-off.”

A fry-off challenge might just be what the nation needs to heal its divisions—a bipartisan showdown on the grill of democracy.

While many celebrated McDonald’s soaring success, critics quickly labeled the event as little more than a distraction. Some pointed out that McDonald’s stocks may have risen, but the country’s biggest issues—like healthcare and income inequality—remain unresolved. “Sure, McDonald’s is booming, but what about the rest of America?” tweeted one critic.

Undeterred, Trump fired back, “McDonald’s is America. If McDonald’s wins, America wins. And right now, we’re winning big. We’re going to win so much, you’ll get tired of winning—unless you’re hungry, then have a burger.”

Speculation is now swirling about what’s next for McDonald’s. Will Trump make fast food a central pillar of his re-election campaign? Will McDonald’s take over other industries? Could we see Trump-inspired Happy Meals with collectible Trump figurines in every box?

One thing’s for sure: McDonald’s isn’t just lovin’ it—they’re thriving. In a press release, McDonald’s acknowledged the incredible boost Trump has provided, hinting at future collaborations. “This is only the beginning of what’s to come,” the statement read. “McDonald’s and Trump: The perfect combo meal.”

In a world where politics and fast food collide, anything seems possible. And as McDonald’s continues to fry up success, only one question remains: Will anyone ever be able to compete with Trump’s magical fry-cooking powers?

As the man himself would say, “Nobody does fast food better than me, believe me.”

NOTE: This is SATIRE, it’s not true.