DINH DOONG

In an unexpected turn of events that has sparked sandwich-related controversy, Academy Award-winning actor Jon Voight has gained widespread attention for declining a staggering $100 million sponsorship deal from Primanti Bros., a beloved institution in Pittsburgh, renowned for their iconic sandwiches laden with French fries. Surprisingly, it wasn’t the caloric content that led Voight to reject the offer; rather, it was his deep-set concerns over what he perceives as “wokeness” within the establishment.

Voight, a vocal supporter of conservative causes, publicly turned down the deal, asserting that Primanti Bros. had fallen prey to “woke culture,” which he believes has sullied the reputation of the sandwich chain.

“I never dreamed I’d witness a classic establishment like Primanti Bros. yield to the woke mob,” Voight expressed passionately in a video shared on social media. “They offered me $100 million, fries included, but no amount of money can sway my principles. They’ve gone woke, and that’s something I can’t endorse.”

The lucrative sponsorship comprised not only a massive payday but also a lifetime supply of the restaurant’s famous sandwiches, a tantalizing offer that would tempt many celebrities—or anyone craving a hearty meal. Voight, however, took issue with what he termed “woke pandering.”

For over 90 years, Primanti Bros. has been a staple in Pittsburgh, recently launching a promotional campaign that celebrates inclusivity and diversity, featuring employees from various backgrounds. While the campaign resonated positively with numerous customers, it raised alarms for Voight.

“I wholeheartedly support respecting others, but when a sandwich shop pushes political narratives, that crosses a line,” Voight continued. “A sandwich should be enjoyed without the undertones of virtue-signaling. This woke obsession has no place in the food industry.”

Voight’s stance found support from J.D. Vance, a Republican senator and vice-presidential candidate, who also expressed his discontent with Primanti Bros. after a reported incident where he was denied entry to a location in North Versailles, Pennsylvania, during a campaign event.

According to Vance, the manager explained that the establishment “wasn’t a campaign stop” and declared, “J.D.’s not allowed in,” even threatening to involve law enforcement if Vance proceeded. This sparked a wave of conservative backlash against the sandwich chain.

“This is a clear example of how the left’s woke agenda infiltrates our everyday lives,” Vance stated after the incident. “First, they stifle free speech, and now they won’t even allow me to enjoy a sandwich. It’s outrageous.”

Voight, an outspoken critic of “cancel culture,” supported Vance’s claims, viewing the treatment of the senator as confirmation of the restaurant’s capitulation to political correctness.

“If they’re restricting J.D. Vance from enjoying a sandwich, what’s next?” Voight questioned. “Are they going to ask anyone who disagrees with them to leave? This highlights a deeper issue in America. We’ve lost the capacity to disagree while relishing a good meal together.”

As the drama unfolded, Primanti Bros. attempted to maintain a diplomatic stance in their response. The restaurant issued a public statement, expressing disappointment over Voight’s decision and underscoring its commitment to inclusivity.

“We take pride in being welcoming to all members of our community,” the statement conveyed. “While we regret Mr. Voight’s choice to not collaborate with us, we respect his decision and wish him the best. Concerning Senator Vance, we welcome all patrons, irrespective of their political views, but there were operational issues on the day of his visit that contributed to confusion.”

In closing, Primanti Bros. reminded the public of its nearly century-long service to Pittsburgh’s community and their dedication to continuing this legacy, “Our doors are open to everyone, and we’ll persist in doing what we do best—serving delicious sandwiches while supporting our community.”

As the conversation around Voight’s rejection and Vance’s complaints gained traction, social media erupted with reactions from both political camps. Many praised Voight for his principled stand, with one Twitter user stating, “Voight turning down $100 million because of Primanti Bros.’ wokeness shows the kind of courage we need today. Who cares about fries when integrity is on the line?”

Conversely, others found the entire incident absurd. “Is this really what we’re discussing now? Sandwiches and politics? Give me a break,” one commenter lightheartedly mentioned. “I just want my Primanti Bros. sandwich, no reflections on Jon Voight’s opinions necessary.”

Local Pittsburgh residents also chimed in, some expressing their disappointment at Voight and Vance’s exaggerated reactions. “It’s just a sandwich, what’s the fuss about?” remarked one local. “I just want to enjoy my sandwich with extra fries, no matter who’s dining there.”

Despite the escalating political rhetoric, many Pittsburgh locals reaffirmed their loyalty to Primanti Bros., pledging to continue savoring the sandwiches emblematic of Steel City fare. Nonetheless, the incident has incited calls for boycotts from some corners of the conservative populace, with supporters of Voight and Vance declaring plans to take their business elsewhere.

As the implications of this controversy for Primanti Bros. unfold, it has undeniably thrust the restaurant into a polarizing cultural conflict. As businesses nationwide wrestle with the political climate, the dilemma of whether to adopt or reject wokeness remains a salient issue.

For Jon Voight, the stance is unequivocal. “I refuse to compromise my beliefs for a sandwich, no matter how delectable it may be,” he asserted. “Primanti Bros. has made its choice, and I have made mine. There are plenty of other dining options that aren’t influenced by wokeness.”

J.D. Vance, on his part, has committed to continuing his battle against what he identifies as “woke corporate America” vowing to support businesses that align with his perspectives. “This transcends sandwiches,” Vance emphasized. “It’s about safeguarding the future of our nation. We must resist these woke corporations and ensure our voices are amplified.”

In the end, Primanti Bros. has reiterated its intention to prioritize customer satisfaction, serving up its well-loved sandwiches amid the ongoing political fray. Whether the sandwich chain will suffer adverse effects or emerge without significant fallout remains to be determined.

At the core of this debate lies a fundamental inquiry: Can businesses effectively maintain a neutral stance in an era when every decision is politicized? For Jon Voight and J.D. Vance, the answer is a definitive no. However, for Primanti Bros., the core mission persists: delivering exceptional sandwiches to all, regardless of the political currents.

NOTE: This is SATIRE, it’s not True.