DINH DOONG

Country star Jason Aldean, the man behind the controversial hit “Try That in a Small Town,” is making headlines once again—but this time, for a seemingly more altruistic cause. Following the devastating destruction caused by Hurricane Milton, including ripping apart the roof of Tropicana Field, Aldean has announced a mega-concert to raise a whopping $1 billion for those affected by the storm.

Titled “Milton Relief: Boots on the Roof,” the concert will take place at the damaged Tropicana Field, the home of the Tampa Bay Rays, with hopes to not only raise funds but also “bring people together through country music, Bud Light-free zones, and some good old-fashioned American grit.”

According to reports, Hurricane Milton’s sustained winds of 120 mph tore through the stadium’s fabric roof, leaving parts of it flapping in the breeze like an overused beach umbrella. And yet, the show must go on. Aldean, known for his resilience and undying patriotism, decided this was the perfect location for a massive concert.

“I saw what that hurricane did to the stadium,” Aldean said during an interview, while adjusting his cowboy hat and chewing on a toothpick for dramatic effect. “And I thought, what better place to raise a billion dollars than under a roof that’s barely hanging on by a thread? That’s the American way—we rebuild, stronger and louder.”

The lineup for this charity concert is nothing short of a spectacle. Aldean has reportedly called upon his “freedom-loving” friends in the music industry to join the cause. So far, Toby Keith, Kid Rock, and Ted Nugent have confirmed their participation, with rumors swirling that Kanye West (or Ye, depending on the week) might make a guest appearance to “say something controversial but somehow relevant.”

The concert will feature hits like “Made in America” and “American Soldier,” with a possible closing performance of “God Bless America” accompanied by fireworks—assuming the roof doesn’t collapse entirely before that point.

To add to the drama, Aldean teased a duet with Kid Rock during a song called “Roof of Glory,” a heartfelt ballad about how America can rise above anything, even structural damage. Organizers are also in talks with Toby Keith to perform “Red Solo Cup” while the audience uses actual red solo cups to catch any remaining debris from the torn roof.

Tickets for “Milton Relief: Boots on the Roof” are already available, starting at a modest price of $250 for nosebleed seats and skyrocketing to $5,000 for a VIP experience that includes meeting Aldean and being handed a hammer to “help with the rebuild effort.”

However, there’s a catch—given the current state of the stadium, seating is extremely limited, as parts of Tropicana Field are still deemed unsafe for large gatherings. “The unsafe parts just make it more exciting!” Aldean exclaimed. “Who wouldn’t want to live a little on the edge while helping hurricane victims?”

For those concerned about potential hazards, Aldean reassured fans, saying, “The good Lord has a plan. If we can survive a hurricane and cheating at Monopoly, we can survive this concert.”

While the concert is marketed as a fundraising event for the victims of Hurricane Milton, some skeptics have raised concerns about how exactly the $1 billion will be spent. In true country fashion, Aldean addressed this directly: “Look, people don’t need to worry about where the money’s going. We’ve got plans. Big plans.”

According to an official press release, the funds will be split into three categories: rebuilding efforts, community outreach, and a mysterious “Freedom Fund,” the details of which are yet to be disclosed. Some fans speculate it might go toward Aldean’s next album, a tribute to structural damage titled “Plywood & Patriots.”

While Aldean and his fellow performers may be the main attraction, let’s not forget about the true star of the evening—Tropicana Field itself. Once described as a “functional but unattractive” stadium, the storm-ravaged arena now takes on a whole new charm with its exposed beams and shredded fiberglass roof.

“It’s practically an open-air venue at this point,” Aldean joked. “You can enjoy the stars above while listening to the stars on stage. We’re calling it the ultimate immersive experience.”

Fire officials, however, were not as enthusiastic. Hillsborough County Fire Rescue Chief Jason Dougherty appeared on MSNBC to caution potential concert-goers: “While we appreciate the fundraising effort, we would highly advise against large gatherings under a roof that just survived a Category 4 hurricane.”

Despite the obvious risks and logistical challenges, Aldean remains optimistic. “Look, I get it—things are tough right now. The roof’s gone, the power’s out, and no one’s sure if the Trop will make it to 2028. But we’re Americans. We don’t quit. We slap on a new roof, we turn up the music, and we show the world that nothing can break us. Except, you know, maybe a hurricane.”

As for the name of the concert, Aldean said he thought about it long and hard before settling on “Boots on the Roof.”

“It just felt right,” he said, gazing into the distance like a man who’s either pondering the meaning of life or deciding what’s for dinner. “Milton may have taken the roof, but we’re going to put our boots on it and take back what’s ours.”

The event is already generating buzz on social media, with hashtags like #BootsOnTheRoof and #JasonToTheRescue trending. Some have even taken to Twitter to call Aldean the “savior of Tropicana Field,” while others question whether holding a massive concert at a hurricane-damaged venue is really the best idea.

Critics aside, Aldean is forging ahead, undeterred. “People love to doubt you when you’re doing something big,” he said with a wink. “But just like a Monopoly board, you’ve got to roll the dice and make your move.”

For better or worse, Tropicana Field will host its most dangerous—and possibly most memorable—concert to date. Let’s just hope the remaining pieces of the roof hold up long enough for the final encore.

NOTE: This is SATIRE, It’s not true.

This Story Was Contributed By Hawaii For President Trump’s Third Term