DINH DOONG

In what can only be described as the most predictable lawsuit of the election season, Republican vice-presidential candidate J.D. Vance has announced plans to sue CBS for a whopping $1 billion, claiming the network’s moderators displayed blatant bias against him during the vice-presidential debate. The Ohio senator, who faced off against Democratic nominee Tim Walz on Tuesday night, argued that CBS’s supposed “left-wing ambush” robbed him of a fair opportunity to present his views to the American public.

The debate, which many anticipated would be a dull, policy-heavy snooze-fest, took a dramatic turn when Vance accused the CBS moderators of acting as Harris campaign operatives, and things have spiraled downhill ever since.

At the heart of Vance’s lawsuit is his assertion that the CBS moderators—who he described as “Harris cheerleaders in disguise”—repeatedly fact-checked him while letting Tim Walz get away with what Vance’s camp calls “blatant misrepresentations.” According to Vance, he could barely get two sentences out before the moderators chimed in with corrections or their signature “are you sure about that?” eyebrow raise.

“They fact-checked me for breathing too hard, I swear,” Vance complained during a press conference announcing his lawsuit. “Meanwhile, Tim Walz was up there talking about unicorns and rainbows, and they didn’t say a word! He could’ve told the audience that aliens were voting in the election, and CBS would’ve nodded along.”

Vance’s legal team—led by none other than “I’ll sue anyone” attorney Rudy Giuliani—has compiled a detailed list of grievances, including:

Vance claims he was interrupted 47 times by the moderators for supposed inaccuracies, which he described as “nitpicking.” The most egregious example? Vance’s mention of a debunked rumor that migrants were eating pets in Springfield, Ohio. “They shut me down the second I said it, but honestly, it’s what people are talking about,” Vance said. “Shouldn’t the media be giving a voice to the people?”

Vance’s mic was muted at least twice during the debate when he allegedly strayed from the questions. “It was like they didn’t want me to talk about the important issues—like how we need to make school doors stronger. Why would you mute that?” Vance asked, bewildered. He claims that every time he started to “drop truth bombs,” CBS’s moderators hit the mute button, leaving him flapping his gums in silence.

Perhaps the most eyebrow-raising aspect of the lawsuit is Vance’s claim that the moderators’ facial expressions were clearly biased. “One of them smirked every time I mentioned Donald Trump, and the other actually rolled her eyes when I talked about border security,” Vance said, clearly incensed. “It’s the kind of disrespect you expect from a college debate, not a national one.”

While suing for media bias is far from new in today’s political climate, a $1 billion lawsuit sets a bold precedent. Many legal experts are scratching their heads, wondering if Vance’s case has legs. “Suing for $1 billion over biased moderators? That’s a tall order,” said legal analyst Nancy Wilkins. “If politicians could sue over hurt feelings every time a moderator fact-checked them, we’d have a new court case every day.”

But Giuliani, who has never shied away from taking on improbable cases, says this one’s a slam dunk. “Look, the First Amendment doesn’t protect media bias,” he stated confidently. “This was supposed to be an even playing field, but CBS tilted the scales in favor of Kamala Harris and Tim Walz. We’re going to prove that J.D. Vance was denied his constitutional right to a fair debate. And we’re going to do it for $1 billion.”

The lawsuit demands restitution for “emotional distress” and “reputation damage,” as Vance claims that the moderators’ actions harmed his standing with voters who might have otherwise been swayed by his charm and pro-Trump policies. Giuliani believes that the lawsuit will not only expose media bias but also send a message to all networks: “Don’t mess with Vance, or you’ll pay for it—literally.”

As expected, the reaction to Vance’s lawsuit has been as divided as the nation itself. Supporters of the Ohio senator took to social media to applaud his bold move, with many echoing his claims of “fake news” and media manipulation. “Finally, someone’s standing up to these liberal media bullies!” wrote one Twitter user. “They’ve been getting away with this for too long.”

Conservative pundits have also rallied behind Vance, praising him for taking the fight directly to the so-called “mainstream media.” “This isn’t just about Vance,” said Fox News host Tucker Carlson. “This is about the future of free speech in America. If we let CBS get away with this, what’s next? Will they fact-check us in our own homes?”

However, critics of Vance—and there are plenty—are less enthusiastic. Memes mocking the lawsuit flooded social media within hours of the announcement, with some poking fun at Vance’s claim that biased body language was part of the problem. One particularly viral post featured an image of Vance with the caption: “Suing for $1 billion because someone gave him side-eye. Toughen up, buttercup!”

Even within the Republican Party, some have expressed skepticism about the lawsuit’s merit. “Look, I understand J.D.’s frustration,” said one anonymous GOP strategist. “But suing for $1 billion because moderators were mean to him? It’s a tough sell. I’m not sure this is going to win over any undecided voters.”

CBS has not taken the lawsuit lying down. In a fiery statement, the network defended its moderators and called Vance’s claims “baseless and absurd.”

“CBS News prides itself on fairness, journalistic integrity, and rigorous fact-checking,” the statement read. “We have reviewed the footage of the debate, and we are confident that the moderators acted in an impartial manner. If Mr. Vance wants to bring this case to court, we say: bring it on.”

The network also took a swipe at Vance’s legal team, sarcastically thanking Giuliani for “yet another baseless lawsuit that will ultimately be thrown out of court.”

As J.D. Vance’s $1 billion lawsuit against CBS moves forward, one can’t help but wonder if this is a genuine legal battle or just another campaign stunt designed to rally his base. After all, nothing says “man of the people” quite like suing a major media corporation for an astronomical sum over what amounts to bad press.

In the end, this lawsuit may not succeed in court, but it’s already succeeded in dominating the news cycle. Whether Vance wins his billion-dollar payday or not, one thing’s for sure: he’s made sure people will be talking about him—and CBS—for a long time to come.

NOTE: This is SATIRE, It’s not true.