DINH DOONG

In a plot twist that could only happen in 2024, ABC has officially lost five major advertisers following the fallout from its controversial handling of the latest presidential debate. The network, known for its polished news broadcasts and long-standing tradition of hosting political events, has now been hit where it hurts most: its wallet. The post-debate advertiser exodus has cost ABC a whopping $27 million, with the network now vowing to never, ever host another debate again.

“We’re done,” said an exasperated ABC spokesperson during an impromptu press conference. “We hosted debates to promote democracy, but it turns out we were just promoting cancellations.”

The trouble began on Tuesday night when ABC’s moderators, David Muir and Linsey Davis, dared to do something radical during the presidential debate: they fact-checked. Real-time. On live television. As if anyone tunes into a presidential debate expecting the truth.

The moderators stopped former President Donald Trump mid-sentence several times to correct false claims, including his infamous assertion that Ohio immigrants were eating pets and that Democrats supported “executing babies after birth.” These moments, while earning applause from viewers who appreciate reality, didn’t sit well with advertisers looking for a good, drama-free ROI on their millions.

One of the first advertisers to pull out was a luxury car brand, whose spokesperson lamented, “When we signed up to sponsor the debate, we didn’t realize it would turn into a live fact-checking extravaganza. We expected a classy, uninterrupted political brawl, not a ‘Gotcha!’ fest.”

Soon after, a major fast-food chain followed suit, saying, “Look, we’re all for informed voting, but our customers don’t come to ABC for facts. They come for spectacle. Our customers want to enjoy their burgers and fries without the uncomfortable side dish of reality-checking.”

And so, one by one, major advertisers jumped ship, leaving ABC’s finance department scrambling to figure out how they lost $27 million faster than Trump could shout “fake news!”

The debate, while a ratings hit, quickly became a nightmare for the network’s marketing team. It wasn’t just about the fact-checking—it was the entire atmosphere. The moderators, despite their best efforts, had managed to alienate everyone. Trump supporters accused them of bias, Harris fans complained they were too soft, and even the ABC fact-checkers themselves reportedly filed grievances, claiming they were overworked and underappreciated.

But the real blow came when the advertisers—those sweet, moneybags sponsors—decided they’d had enough.

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“We paid for prime time ad spots, not political commentary,” fumed an executive from one of the now-absent sponsors. “I was halfway through our product placement for a high-end electric car when suddenly Muir is talking about Springfield, Ohio’s dog-eating crisis. I’m sorry, but that’s not the kind of attention we’re looking for.”

Another advertiser, a household cleaning product brand, pulled no punches in their criticism. “We clean up messes, but ABC made one so big even our best-selling bleach can’t fix it.”

ABC’s executives, faced with the harsh reality of a $27 million shortfall, still tried to salvage the situation. “Look, we’re not going to apologize for fact-checking,” said an unnamed ABC official. “If we wanted to host a fantasy debate where people can just say anything and no one challenges it, we’d run a reality TV show. Oh wait, we already do.”

Despite this brave face, the financial blow was undeniable. Losing $27 million in a single swoop of advertiser rage doesn’t just sting—it leaves a mark. And the executives at ABC, realizing they can’t exactly bill the DNC or RNC for the damage, have made a bold decision: no more debates.

“We’re done with debates. Completely,” the official continued. “No more moderators getting yelled at, no more advertisers jumping ship, and no more real-time corrections that turn our stage into a game show where facts actually matter.”

So, what does this mean for future political debates? If ABC’s decision is any indication, the days of fact-checking, journalistic integrity, and high production value may be behind us.

Insiders suggest that the 2028 election debates will be unmoderated, unstructured, and held on the front lawns of the candidates themselves. “It’ll be like the Wild West out there,” one political analyst joked. “Just candidates shouting at each other while the audience throws tomatoes—or tweets.”

In fact, ABC’s rivals are reportedly eyeing the situation closely, wondering whether they should get in on this new wave of debate-free debates. “Why bother moderating at all?” asked one industry insider. “Just let the candidates talk for two hours, sell ad spots in between the shouting, and call it a night. No one fact-checks anyway—it’s all about entertainment now.”

As news of ABC’s advertising exodus spread, it became a trending topic on social media, where users debated not the issues of the candidates, but which brand was the first to bail. #WhoJumpedFirst quickly became the hashtag of the week.

“I’m just mad that my favorite cereal brand bailed before the second half of the debate,” tweeted one user. “Now I’ll never know if Trump was right about the aliens hiding in cornfields.”

Another user posted, “I wasn’t even watching the debate, but I’m here for the chaos. Losing $27 million in one night? That’s record-breaking!”

ABC, in damage control mode, tried to downplay the controversy by offering a free 30-day streaming trial for anyone who had been “emotionally affected” by the debate fallout. Spoiler alert: It didn’t work.

For ABC, the future is now a murky, fact-checked-at-every-turn path. With $27 million gone and five major advertisers retreating faster than a political candidate faced with a tough question, the network has to reconsider its approach to hosting political events.

“We’ll still cover the news, obviously,” said the exasperated ABC spokesperson. “But as for debates? We’ll leave those to the networks who are willing to take the risk. Maybe Fox News or CNN will be braver than us—or just more willing to lose $27 million.”

And so, with its final debate behind it, ABC bows out of the political stage, leaving behind a legacy of bold fact-checking, angry advertisers, and a pile of shredded contracts. But if there’s one thing we’ve learned from this ordeal, it’s that in 2024, even facts come with a price tag—and ABC is no longer willing to pay it.

NOTE: This is SATIRE, Not True.