DINH DOONG

In what might be the most earth-shattering news since Hulk Hogan bodyslammed Andre the Giant in front of 93,000 fans, the wrestling icon turned brewmaster has officially pulled his “Real American Beer” from Target shelves. His reasoning? The Hulkster himself has declared that his beer will not coexist with “woke” corporate agendas, and brother, he’s not backing down.

For those who might be unfamiliar, Hulk Hogan, known to legions of fans as one of the most iconic professional wrestlers of all time, has recently stepped into the beverage business. His creation, Real American Beer, launched in June 2024 and quickly became the brew of choice for fans of wrestling nostalgia, patriotism, and a solid, crushable lager with 4.2% ABV. Hogan proudly declared that the beer was made with “100% North American malt and hops,” ensuring that every sip tasted like a piledriver to the taste buds—in a good way.

Everything was going smoothly for Hogan’s beer empire. He had plans to expand Real American Beer into more states and was riding high on memories of his glory days, like the time he defended the WWF Championship at the Rosemont Horizon in 1985. What could go wrong for the man who once defeated an entire nation of evil wrestling villains?

Well, it turns out the Hulkster’s greatest opponent isn’t a fellow wrestler but a retail giant. After partnering with chains like Jewel Osco and Binny’s, Hogan’s Real American Beer found itself on Target shelves. But it didn’t take long for Hogan to decide that his beer just didn’t belong there. The issue? According to Hogan, Target was just “too woke” for the likes of him and his beverage.

In a dramatic press conference that felt more like a WrestleMania promo than a business announcement, Hogan elaborated on his decision. “Listen, brother, I’ve fought some bad dudes in my day. But nothing’s worse than this woke stuff,” he said, sporting his signature bandana and a tank top that looked like it had been Hulkamaniac’d straight out of 1987. “I don’t want any wokeness near my beer. When you pop open a Real American Beer, you’re popping open freedom, not some agenda.”

Target, for those unfamiliar with the “wokeness” allegations, has come under fire recently for promoting diversity, equity, and inclusion initiatives and for stocking products that some customers find controversial. And in the world of Hulk Hogan, that’s apparently a step too far.

Hogan’s dramatic announcement continued. “You see, brother, Real American Beer stands for everything this country was built on—freedom, toughness, and a well-balanced taste made with North American malt. You don’t drink my beer and then start talking about pronouns, alright? When you drink Real American Beer, you talk about body slams and freedom.”

In the most Hogan-esque fashion possible, he punctuated his statements with an impromptu flex, tearing his shirt open to reveal a tattoo of an American flag, as if the symbolism wasn’t already crystal clear. A reporter bravely asked Hogan what, exactly, “wokeness” had to do with beer. Hogan scoffed and replied, “You just don’t get it, brother.”

Apparently, pulling Real American Beer from Target shelves wasn’t enough. Hogan declared that he would only sell his beer in “true American establishments,” like independent liquor stores, gas station convenience marts, and possibly backyard wrestling venues. He went on to clarify that Real American Beer would now be available “wherever freedom-loving, non-woke Americans buy their beverages.” We’re talking places where you can buy a six-pack of beer, a shotgun rack, and maybe even a commemorative American flag t-shirt all in one place.

As expected, social media exploded after Hogan’s bold move. Some fans applauded the former champ for sticking to his guns, while others questioned if this was just a publicity stunt in the most Hulk Hogan way possible. Twitter—sorry, X—became a battlefield for beer lovers and social justice warriors alike, debating whether beer could even be “woke” in the first place.

“I drink Real American Beer because it’s brewed with freedom, not politics,” one particularly passionate fan tweeted, while another quipped, “Does the beer taste like body oil and misplaced patriotism, or am I just imagining that?”

Others couldn’t help but draw parallels between Hogan’s decision and the infamous 1991 incident where he testified in court about steroid use, asking if his new anti-woke stance was just as transparent.

But Hogan didn’t stop there. As part of his declaration of beer independence, the Hulkster promised a new, aggressive marketing campaign that would target what he called “true Americans.” Rumor has it that commercials featuring bald eagles, monster trucks, and Hogan performing flying leg drops on kegs are already in the works.

Only time will tell if Hulk Hogan’s decision to part ways with Target will actually hurt or help his beer brand. But one thing’s for sure: Hogan knows how to put on a show, whether in the ring or in the boardroom. His new mission to sell Real American Beer to “non-woke” customers will likely attract plenty of headlines—and maybe even a few wrestling fans who still think it’s 1985.

In the meantime, Hogan is expected to make several public appearances to promote the beer in small towns across America, starting with a big watch party at KAMS on Green Street in Champaign, Illinois. “I got unforgettable memories wrestling in Illinois,” Hogan said, flexing as he spoke. “Now I’m back with Real American Beer, and we’re going to make history again, brother—this time, without the wokeness.”

While some critics are calling his latest move a desperate attempt to stay relevant in the ever-changing political and cultural landscape, Hulk remains unfazed. “People have always doubted me, brother. They doubted me when I slammed Andre, they doubted me when I went into reality TV, and they’re doubting me now,” Hogan said. “But you know what? I’m still here, still standing, and still selling beer.”

Whether or not Hulk Hogan’s anti-woke beer crusade will be a knockout success remains to be seen. But if anyone can turn a controversy into cash, it’s the guy who built an empire by telling kids to eat their vitamins and say their prayers. One thing is certain: in the world of Hulk Hogan, there’s always another fight waiting to happen.

And in this corner, with 100% North American malt, no wokeness, and a whole lot of flexing, is Real American Beer. Will it become the beer of choice for freedom-loving patriots? Or will it fizzle out faster than a botched leg drop? Only time—and maybe a few smashed cans—will tell.

So, raise your glass, brother—just don’t call it woke.

NOTE: This is SATIRE, it’s not true.

This Story Was Contributed By Hawaii For President Trump’s Third Term