DINH DOONG

In what may be the most unexpected twist in a 2024 election season already filled with plenty of surprises, Minnesota Governor and Democratic vice-presidential nominee Tim Walz is reportedly considering leaving the country for good. Yes, you read that correctly: Walz, the man who has spent his entire career advocating for the people of Minnesota, is now thinking of packing his bags, hopping on the nearest plane, and starting fresh—somewhere far, far away. His reason? Well, apparently, he’s “lost it.”

The phrase “I’ve lost it” doesn’t exactly inspire confidence when coming from a man running for the second-highest office in the land, but let’s face it, these days, who hasn’t lost it? It seems Walz, tired of constant political attacks, viral family feuds, and being metaphorically dunked on by Shaquille O’Neal (yes, that actually happened), has decided enough is enough. And frankly, who can blame him?

Sources close to the governor say the downward spiral began shortly after his now-infamous encounter with distant relatives wearing “Walz’s for Trump” T-shirts went viral. The embarrassment of having his own family publicly support his political rival was bad enough, but it was only the beginning of what insiders are calling “The Walz Woes.”

The real tipping point, however, came during a campaign rally where Walz was booed—by a crowd in his home state. According to a witness who attended the rally, Walz looked visibly shaken by the heckling. “I think that was the moment he realized he just couldn’t win,” the attendee said. “You could see it in his eyes. He was thinking, ‘What am I doing here?’”

And then came Shaq. Yes, the Shaquille O’Neal, who famously threw Walz out of his restaurant, Big Chicken, with the brutal words: “Don’t come back here, you’re a disappointment.” Apparently, when a 7-foot-1 NBA legend publicly scolds you for failing as a politician, it stings. Hard.

After that, according to those familiar with the governor’s mindset, something snapped. “That’s when he really started saying things like, ‘Maybe I should just leave’ and ‘What’s the point of all this? I’ve lost it,’” said one staffer who wished to remain anonymous. “It wasn’t just campaign exhaustion—it was existential.”

So, if Walz does indeed decide to flee the land of 10,000 lakes, where might he go? The possibilities are endless, though none of them seem particularly suited for a man who once proudly donned flannel and stood before snow-covered fields.

Word around the water cooler is that Walz has been eyeing Canada. After all, it’s close enough to Minnesota that he could still visit for holidays (assuming his family isn’t wearing Trump merch), but far enough to escape the media circus that has engulfed his political career. Plus, Canada has the benefit of universal healthcare, which, if Walz’s recent stress levels are any indication, he’s going to need soon.

But Canada might be a little too obvious for a politician of Walz’s stature. Other rumored destinations include New Zealand, where he could live out his days in relative anonymity while perfecting the art of sheep farming; Switzerland, where he could enjoy neutrality—something he hasn’t experienced in years; or perhaps Bali, where he could engage in some much-needed meditation and “find himself” again.

Of course, there’s still the matter of that cryptic phrase: “I’ve lost it.” What exactly has Tim Walz lost? His sense of purpose? His patience? His campaign?

“All of the above,” said another insider. “He’s just tired. Think about it: you try running for office while being constantly attacked for your military service record, disowned by your own relatives, and ridiculed by Shaq. The man’s had it.”

But some speculate that Walz’s comment goes deeper than just campaign fatigue. “It’s not just about politics,” a friend of Walz explained. “It’s about everything. He feels like he’s lost control of his own narrative, his own life. Everywhere he turns, there’s another scandal, another headline. It’s gotten to the point where he can’t even order a chicken sandwich without it becoming national news.”

And let’s not forget about that whole “stolen valor” controversy that has haunted him for years. The constant allegations that Walz retired from the National Guard to avoid being deployed to Iraq have resurfaced during the 2024 campaign, casting a long shadow over his political ambitions. The governor’s critics have been relentless in their pursuit of this issue, and it’s clearly taken its toll.

“That’s part of what he means when he says he’s ‘lost it,’” the insider said. “He’s lost control over how people see him. He’s no longer Tim Walz, the dedicated public servant—he’s Tim Walz, the guy who allegedly abandoned his unit and got disowned by his own family.”

While Walz hasn’t yet made an official announcement about his potential relocation, the rumors have already sparked waves of speculation across the political spectrum. Conservative commentators have gleefully latched onto the news, with one right-wing pundit going so far as to say, “If Walz is so desperate to leave the country, we’ll help him pack!”

Democrats, on the other hand, are doing their best to stay calm, at least publicly. “Governor Walz is a fighter,” one campaign strategist said, in what can only be described as an Olympic-level display of optimism. “He’s not going anywhere. He’s just facing the pressures of a tough campaign, and we’re here to support him. We’re confident he’ll pull through.”

Behind the scenes, however, the mood is more panicked. If Walz does indeed step down—or worse, flee the country—it would throw the Democratic ticket into disarray just as the 2024 election enters its final stretch. Finding a replacement this late in the game would be a logistical and political nightmare, and the GOP would undoubtedly use Walz’s departure as ammunition against the Democratic Party’s leadership.

For now, Walz remains tight-lipped about his next move, though sources close to him say he’s seriously weighing his options. “He’s not making any rash decisions,” one confidant said. “But at the same time, he’s genuinely considering what life would look like if he just… walked away.”

The idea of Tim Walz leaving America and starting fresh in some quiet corner of the world is as intriguing as it is surreal. Would he retire to a cabin in the Canadian wilderness, grow a beard, and spend his days chopping wood in peaceful solitude? Or would he take up surfing in Australia, far from the noise of the 24-hour news cycle?

For now, all we can do is speculate. One thing is clear, though: Tim Walz is at a crossroads. And whether he chooses to stay in the political ring or leave the country for good, one thing’s for sure—he’s already left an unforgettable mark on 2024.