DINH DOONG

In a move that’s sure to send shockwaves through classrooms and craft supply stores alike, Texas has officially passed a law making it a crime to bring a Pride flag to school. Yes, you heard that right—a crime. As in, “break out the handcuffs and call the sheriff, we’ve got a rainbow situation in Room 305.”

The bill, formally titled “The Classroom Sanctity Act” but unofficially dubbed “No Rainbows Allowed,” was signed into law yesterday by Texas Governor Greg Abbott in front of an audience of stone-faced lawmakers, several American flags, and what appeared to be a suspiciously monochrome color palette.

“Today, we are protecting Texas students from dangerous ideological symbols,” Governor Abbott declared at the signing ceremony, standing under a banner that read, “Protect Our Classrooms, Protect Our Children.” He paused for dramatic effect, placing his hand on the bill like it was a Bible and adding, “No child in Texas should ever be exposed to a rainbow unless it’s in a coloring book, a weather forecast, or the Lucky Charms aisle at the grocery store.”

The new law has made Texas the first state to explicitly criminalize the mere presence of a Pride flag in a public school. Violators, including teachers, students, and that one substitute who still doesn’t know how to use the smartboard, face fines up to $1,000, 30 days in detention (or jail for teachers), and mandatory sensitivity training… led, of course, by someone with absolutely no sensitivity.

One state lawmaker, speaking anonymously (because who would want to be openly associated with a law like this?), justified the ban by saying, “It’s simple: once you let in a rainbow flag, what’s next? Unicorns? Glitter? Tolerance?” She shuddered at the thought.

Proponents of the bill argue that it’s about keeping classrooms “neutral,” which apparently means making sure all discussions of identity and equality are as beige as possible. “Why stop at Pride flags?” one enthusiastic supporter posted on social media. “Let’s ban any flags that aren’t Texas or America. Because honestly, what else do you need? Maybe a flag that says ‘Don’t Tread on Me’ in case things really go south.”

The effects of the new law were felt almost immediately. In a middle school in Austin, a teacher was reportedly escorted off the premises by security after a student spotted a rainbow sticker on her water bottle. The student, whose mom is on the PTA, wasted no time in reporting the incident to school officials, triggering a full-scale investigation that culminated in the teacher being charged with “exposing students to diversity.”

Over in Dallas, one high school student narrowly escaped punishment after a rainbow-colored eraser was found in her backpack. In an effort to protect herself, the student claimed, “It was for erasing mistakes, not promoting tolerance, I swear!” After a thorough examination, including a background check on her school supplies, she was let off with a warning.

Teachers across the state are now scrambling to understand the rules. Is a rainbow bulletin board a flag? What about a rainbow made out of Skittles in a math problem? Can students still read The Wizard of Oz or is even Dorothy’s journey now suspect because, let’s be honest, she followed a rainbow road to an emerald city filled with non-traditional characters?

Naturally, the new law has ignited a firestorm of controversy. LGBTQ+ advocacy groups have condemned the bill, calling it a blatant attack on their community and an insult to students’ ability to embrace diversity. “It’s 2024, and somehow, we’re having debates over whether kids should be allowed to see a rainbow? What’s next, banning sunshine because it’s too inclusive?” said one exasperated spokesperson for Equality Texas.

On social media, #RainbowRebellion began trending within hours of the bill’s signing. Students, parents, and teachers alike have started posting pictures of themselves with Pride flags, rainbows, and multicolored socks in defiance of the law. One particularly rebellious student even brought an entire box of crayons to school, openly flaunting the fact that some of them were, in fact, rainbow-colored. The school promptly confiscated the crayons, claiming the student was “promoting dangerous ideas, like art.”

Meanwhile, some teachers have found more subtle ways to resist. “I’m thinking of decorating my classroom entirely in shades of pink, orange, yellow, green, blue, and purple,” said one elementary school teacher with a wink. “Technically not a rainbow, but who’s counting?”

Historians are already pointing out the absurdity of Texas’s latest crusade against rainbows. One noted scholar, Dr. Emily Spectrum, released a statement that included the following, “Rainbows have existed as a natural phenomenon long before they were ever co-opted for political or social reasons. I mean, even Noah got a rainbow after the flood, and no one’s calling him ‘too woke’ for seeing it as a positive sign.”

The Texas legislature, however, seems unbothered by historical facts. They’re moving full steam ahead, with several lawmakers already pushing for an expansion of the law. There’s talk of banning Pride-related materials from libraries, ensuring that textbooks only feature the most monochromatic illustrations, and launching a task force to investigate “rainbow-related conspiracies” in children’s cartoons.

Governor Abbott, when asked about the potential slippery slope of the new law, remained unfazed. “This is just the beginning. We’re going to cleanse our classrooms of anything that promotes agendas outside of good old-fashioned American values—like conformity, authority, and a complete lack of fun.”

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For now, the fate of rainbows in Texas classrooms remains uncertain. But one thing’s for sure: Texas students will either be attending the most creatively dull classrooms in the country, or teachers and students alike will find new, inventive ways to bring color back into their lives. After all, it’s hard to imagine a world where even the suggestion of a rainbow is too radical to handle.

As the rest of the country watches in disbelief, the biggest question on everyone’s mind is: Will the ban stop with Pride flags, or is Texas preparing to outlaw anything with a little too much color? Texas skies better hope that Mother Nature doesn’t send a literal rainbow their way—or there might be a few lawmakers calling for her arrest next.