DINH DOONG

It was a day of high drama and unexpected spice in the heart of Fieri-land, an eatery for both the discerning and the undiscerning palate, a cornucopia of cacophonous culinary creations and a site of unexpected celebrity feuding. But not even the Food Network could have cooked up the drama that unfolded when Guy Fieri, the Mayor of Flavortown himself, expelled beloved actress Whoopi Goldberg from his restaurant with a spicy decree: “You’re not welcome here.”

Before we dig into the juicy meat of this story, let’s set the stage. The setting was Guy’s American Kitchen & Bar, Fieri’s iconic flagship in the heart of Times Square. This is a place where diners usually come for a joy ride through the heart-stopping, cholesterol-laden world of Donkey Sauce-slathered ‘Trash Can Nachos,’ only to be served a platter of Hollywood drama this time.

The first act unfolded with the arrival of Goldberg, whose shining resume features achievements such as being one of the few people to win an EGOT – an Emmy, a Grammy, an Oscar, and a Tony. She walked into the establishment presumably to sample Fieri’s infamous ‘Sashimi Tacos,’ but got served a chilly welcome instead.

It wasn’t long before Fieri himself stormed out of the kitchen, his trademark bleached spiky hair resembling the flames of his frequently used flamethrower, and his bowling shirts fluttering dramatically. He delivered a line that could’ve been straight out of a Quentin Tarantino movie. “Whoopi,” he growled, smoke practically billowing from his frosted tips, “you’re not welcome here.”

Goldberg, who’s been a longtime peace activist, seemed taken aback. After all, this was Times Square, not ‘The View’ studio where verbal volleys are more common than the overabundance of cilantro in Fieri’s ‘Morgan’s Gnarly Greek Nachos.’ The audience – err, patrons – gasped, forks midway to their mouths. Some choked on their ‘Vegas Fries’ in surprise. Others, more cynically inclined, quickly began tweeting the incident, making ‘Guy vs Whoopi’ trend faster than the latest celebrity diet.

Naturally, the question on everyone’s lips was not, “Can I have more of the ‘Rattlesnake Pasta’?” but rather, “Why in the world did Guy Fieri kick Whoopi Goldberg out of his restaurant?” Rumors started flying faster than a poorly flipped pancake on a Sunday morning breakfast rush.

Was it because Whoopi preferred Alton Brown’s meticulous culinary techniques to Fieri’s wild, rule-breaking approach? Did Fieri take offense when he overheard Goldberg confess that she was more a fan of Jamie Oliver’s wholesome, rustic recipes than his ‘Cheeseburger Meatloaf’ drenched in Donkey Sauce?

Could it be that Goldberg had made a sarcastic comment about Fieri’s generous application of his ‘Knuckle Sandwich’ BBQ sauce? Or perhaps she had dared to utter the unspeakable – questioning the authenticity of his ‘Dragon Breath Chili’? The speculation was as hot and wild as a batch of Fieri’s ‘Ghost Pepper Wing Sauce.’

In the midst of all the foodie furor, a staff member stepped forward. Apparently, the reason was far less scandalous, but no less deliciously ridiculous. Fieri had ejected Goldberg after she made the innocuous request of wanting her ‘Volcano Chicken’ sans the lava – that is, without any sauce. Fieri, considering this a grave insult to his sauce-soaked culinary vision, reacted with volcanic wrath.

“Everyone knows you don’t go to Fieri’s and disrespect the sauce!” The line cook, who asked to remain anonymous, stated emphatically. “That’s like going to the Louvre and saying the Mona Lisa could use a little more ‘smize’.”

So, there it was. The sizzling saga of Guy Fieri and Whoopi Goldberg, a spicy altercation that reminded us that even in the land of excess cheese and freedom fries, there are still culinary lines that should not be crossed.

The story has a sweet aftertaste, though. As the sun set on this Flavortown feud, Goldberg, ever the consummate professional, took it all in stride. She ended up at a vegan bistro down the street, proving that you can take the celebrity out of the drama but not the hunger out of the celebrity.

As for Fieri, he returned to his culinary kingdom, undeterred by the celebrity clash, his reign as the Sauce Boss uncontested. Rumor has it that he’s already working on a new dish, tentatively titled ‘Whoopi’s Wicked Hot Wings,’ extra sauce mandatory.

While this unexpected face-off was more akin to a spicy reality TV episode than a typical day at a restaurant, one thing is certain: it’s just another day in Flavortown. Bon Appétit, anyone?